Category Archives: writing

July 30, 2013 · 6:55 pm

Twitter’s Vapid Palaver

Social media–and Twitter in particular–is an amazing innovation. We can talk to people around the world! All the time! For practically free (thanks, unlimited texting!)! Twitter is like the telegram taken to the nth degree; maybe all we need now is to have it download directly to our brains for truly instantaneous communication.

It’s a good way of getting attention for yourself or for making friends or building a community. You can do amazing things with it and meet incredible people* (and “people”).

But–that’s not how most people are using Twitter. And let’s be honest, a lot of those people are writers, because they’re my peeps.

This isn’t the kind of inane “I’m eating breakfast!” tweeting that used to be the top complaint about Twitter users. No, thanks to the rising wave of “using Twitter for business,” now writers feel required to have a Twitter presence (to “build a platform”) and to use Twitter to try to sell books. And much of the advice on those subjects starts with “tweet; tweet a lot.” So what you get is a lot of empty-headed jibber jabber.

  • Every danged day, I see someone (sometimes even the same someone as yesterday!) trotting out Hemingway’s bleeding into a keyboard quote. We get it. Hemingway was melodramatic. Move on already.
  • Then there are the people who use programs to report how many new followers they’ve gained and how many lost–which I think is supposed to be some way of competitively “keeping score,” but always seems antisocial and weird when you read them.
  • There are the people who promote the same joke every day, or every week, because someone told them that it’s best if you can be funny on Twitter, because people like that. And people DO like that. But people really like original humor. As soon as I see someone repeating a joke verbatim they used last week, I unfollow them–I know they are trying to trick me into following a nothing account.
  • And perhaps those with the best intentions are those who are trying to sell a book. That’s great. Try to sell your book. I hope I can, one day. But don’t do it by constantly haranguing people on Twitter. I’m not on Twitter to buy your book, so why are you on Twitter to sell your book, and nothing else?

I’m by no means a power Twitter user (and the above complaints are big reasons why), but I really do want to be able to connect with people who have similar interests. That means I don’t want artifice. I don’t want bullsh*t, basically. I certainly tweet things that are inane–I saw someone running barefoot in the heat, and I felt that was tweetable–but that’s part of what life is. I’d prefer the “I’m eating breakfast and it’s great!” tweets to the crap I listed above, but it feels like 85% of my twitter feed is just churned out words, with no purpose and no meaning and no real person behind them.

I have a personal rule for my Twitter account: I don’t post anything that I don’t mean. If I can’t care enough about it to believe in my own statements, why should I expect a reader to? I go for authenticity in my social media, and if that makes me a bad Twitter user/platform-builder, well, so be it.

What kind of behavior on Twitter frustrates you the most?***

 

*Neil Gaiman once retweeted my tweet and it was possibly my best day ever. Until Margaret Atwood did the same thing a little while later. Then I had two best days ever–at least, social media-wise.

***I’ve read about the harassment/threatening/abuse button scandal currently gripping Twitter. It’s dreadful. So I’ll go ahead and assume everyone finds that kind of behavior frustrating. I’m talking about the less-mean-spirited stuff.

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July 23, 2013 · 10:09 am

My Plan for the Zombie Uprising

The other day I was talking to my Significant Other about how we would best survive the zombie apocalypse (you know, like you do), and I think we’ve hit on a winning strategy. See, my brother has already identified the Home Depot-next-to-a-grocery-store he’s planning to hole up in–his plan is to use the construction materials to build a giant elevated platform on which to live and store his oodles of canned goods which he’ll be stealing from the grocery store next door. I’d bandied about several ideas, but until that conversation, I hadn’t decided (though I know all the reasons it’s a great idea to go to your favorite bar…)

But now I’ve got it. I’ll be riding out the zombie outbreak at…the nearest pharmacy.

It’s perfect. Here’s why.

Reasons to Ride Out the Zombie Apocalypse in a Pharmacy

1. Food

Most retail pharmacies not only carry drugs and stuff, but they also have a lot of ready-packaged food. This kind of crap grab-and-go food is normally a terrible thing to eat, but this is going to be exactly the kind of food you’re going to need in the event of a no-power, no-water situation. Plus, there’s lots of candy!

2. Other Assorted Goods

The downside of a grocery store is a) a lot of other people are going to think of it, b) a lot of that stuff is going to spoil pretty quickly, c) they’re really big and therefore hard to defend and d) other people are going to think of it and try to get in, too. But they also mostly just have food, which is good for when you want to buy dinner but bad when you are trying to ride out an outbreak in some kind of comfort. But your local pharmacy has all kinds of bizarre stuff! Sure, you may be making a bed out of three pillow pets and a dog bed, but you’ll have that option, and that is great!

2a. Camping Supplies

They sometimes even have random camping supplies in my pharmacy. Why? I don’t know, but I won’t ask too many questions in this situation. Plus they have hair spray, too, so we can combine that with a lighter for some awesome zombie barbecues.

3. Defensible

Your average pharmacy is a bit worried about theft, so there aren’t many doors and the locations I know of don’t have huge walls of windows (unlike Walmart, Target, or any grocery store). You’ll have to bar the door at the back and the two glass ones at the front, but otherwise, you’re set, no problem!

4. First Aid

In addition to worrying about zombies and possible infection, you’re going to have a lot of non-zombie injuries. You’re going to need a sanitary way of dealing with that, and you’re going to need supplies. Hopefully your average zombie survival kit comes at least with a first aid kit, but that will eventually run out. A pharmacy as your home base will ensure you have a lot more supplies when things start to go bad.

5. Prescription Drugs

Until this week, I actually thought my survival odds for an uprising were pretty danged slim, but not for reasons directly related to zombies. No, my problem is a reliance on things you can’t get when the normal distribution channels are disrupted: prescription drugs. I take two drugs every day just to keep going, for things I was born with (thanks, genetics!) and a third because my allergies are over-the-top. I doubt I’ll be good at fighting off zombies when I’m gasping for air with snot dribbling down my chest–this is a very practical concern. So I need to find a way to maintain my access to these medications as long as possible…and that means taking over the pharmacy. They have a much bigger storehouse than pretty much anywhere else, so I’ll last longer with this supply near by.

Plus, in the long term, having access to prescription medications of all kinds is going to be highly valuable. You won’t be able to see a doctor when there are zombies slogging through the streets, so you’ll have to fight off that cold on your own–or make friends with the folks guarding the pharmacy. I figure that will be really handy if it comes down to a barter system for survival.

 

So that’s my plan, and retail pharmacies seem common enough that I don’t mind sharing the idea. Where will you be hiding out when the zombies come knockin’?

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July 20, 2013 · 10:22 am

Black Cat Salon

As soon as she stepped through the door of the Black Cat Beauty Salon, Madge knew something was wrong with her 3 o’clock appointment. It wasn’t just the young woman’s dour looks or moping demeanor, though those were good enough hints. No, Madge had been in this business long enough to know a heartbroken lover when she saw one.

“Hello there,” she said cheerily. The girl started, as if surprised that she’d been noticed. “In search of a bit of pampering?”

She nodded, her loose bangs flopping off and quickly over her downcast eyes. “Yes please,” she said.

“Do you have an appointment?” Madge asked, in her chipper-saleswoman voice.

“N-no,” the girl stammered.

“Well, you’re in luck, I’ve got openings,” Madge said, coming around the counter to take the girl by the arm. In another era she would have commented on how nice and meaty the girl’s arm was, but those days were behind her now. Leading the customer toward the worn but plush seat, Madge said, “what can I do for you today, dearie? Haircut? Eyebrow threading, maybe?”

The girl winced. Not the right tactic. “Oh, I know. Manicure. Just the ticket,” she said firmly. “Go browse the colors while I get set up.”

Her client looked briefly bewildered, but then got up and scanned the wall of polishes. Madge watched her from the back room as she picked up first one, then another pale pink or shimmering gold. She let the girl linger, and busied herself with pretending her supplies weren’t already ready.

“Find one ya like?” Madge finally asked, beckoning the girl over.

“Oh, I dunno,” she said, shy. “I like both of these, and it’s just so hard to choose.” She showed Madge the two shining bottles, one a deep lusty red and the other a pale grey. Interesting, Madge thought. The colors they pick are always so telling.

“Ah, that it is dearie, that it is sometimes. ‘ow ‘bout we use that one?” she asked, pointing out the red bottle. “I find it has a bit of a magical effect on a girl.”

“Does it?” the girl asked, brightening only momentarily, before saying gloomily, “I could use some magic.” She sighed in that melodramatic way only the young seem to manage.

“Sure does. It’s called Bewitched, ain’t it?” Madge said, winking conspiratorially.

“Oh, ha,” the girl said, the “ha” closer to a cry than a laugh. “That’s too bad.”

Madge took the girl’s hands and led her back to the chair. “What’s your name, dearie?”

“Sam. Samantha,” she said, leaning back into the firm little chair.

“Well, good, Miss Sam, just you let me take care of you now and you’ll see things are better for it in no time,” Madge said as she took out her clippers and began snip snipping at Samantha’s long tattered nails.

Sam stared off into space until Madge said, “So, dearie, are you going to tell me what’s troublin’ you or not?” She put down the clippers and held Samantha’s thumb firmly, sanding off the rough edges with a lavender nail file.

“Oh, it’s not a big deal or anything,” Sam said. And sighed again.

Madge stopped filing and looked Sam in the eye. “I’ve been around long enough, missy, that I know that kind of moping ain’t fer nothing. No sir. It’s about a boy, isn’t it?”

She went back to filing, barely glancing down at Sam’s fingers as she worked, and Sam gaped at her. “Is it that obvious?” she asked.

“’Course it is, dear. Might as well out with it. It’s part of my job, listening is, you know.” Madge rounded off another corner on Samantha’s pinkie, and turned her attention to buffing the nails.

The girl mournfully told her story while Madge worked on beautifying and painting her nails. It was a story she’d heard frequently enough over the years: there was a charming lad at the girls’ workplace, totally out of her league, and she was pining away while he didn’t even notice her. Madge just listened, and pursed her lips as she focused, applying two even coats of Bewitched red.

When Samantha had run out of lamentations, Madge looked up and said, “Well, dearie, I’m sure it won’t be that way for long. Why, I bet you’ll have a run-in with him real soon now, and you’ll find he’s been just as heartsick all this time. Now put your hands here to let this little light work its magic.”

Samantha obediently slipped her hands under the ultraviolet light, and said “Really? You think so?” Maybe it was just the little bit of pampering, but she felt happier than she had when she’d come in.

“Darlin’, I know so,” Madge said.

Six minutes later, the timer went off, and Samantha paid for her manicure (leaving a more substantial tip than she might have at another salon) and went off with a smiling gracing her face and a lightness to her manner.

Madrigal sighed as she watched the girl go. Witchcraft sure wasn’t what it used to be.

 

—-

I really like this concept for a character, preferably a main character rather than a background character, but I’m a bit stumped. What problems could a witchy beautician resolve, do you think? What trouble could she get into?

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July 18, 2013 · 10:10 am

What Good is Reading, Anyway?

I was in a group of new folks and we were forced to do one of those awful icebreakers. “Pretend you’re on a deserted island for a year and you can only bring 1 book, 1 song (?), and one practical item. The basics are supplied for you. What do you bring?”

I was astounded at the number of people in the group of seemingly educated folks who not only couldn’t pick a book, but said they couldn’t even think of a book. Didn’t even know the last book they’d read.

One guy picked The Hunger Games “because it will make me think about survival and stuff” and one woman picked “that one book I had to read in high school about kids on an island.” She meant Lord of the Flies, and was a bit surprised when we pointed out that one doesn’t end well.

(I picked The Lord of the Rings, if it makes a difference. It’s both long and incredibly re-readable, and it’s been awhile since I’ve read it all anyway.)

I was incredibly disappointed in these new not-yet-friends, and couldn’t help like feeling like Gulliver in his eponymous travels, trying to communicate with the Yahoos. Or maybe that makes me a Houyhnhnm, and I’m the one out of place.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the relative value of reading. Of course, being a writer and editor and general appreciator of the written word, I personally value it quite a lot. But if all these otherwise lovely people can’t so much as name a recent title, maybe I’m being antiquated and longing after telegrams when everyone else has moved on to this new-fangled telephone.

Unfortunately, I’ve got science on my side. There is evidence, based on research done at the University of Toronto, that reading fiction makes people better able to handle ambiguity. Basically, reading about imaginary scenarios allows you to think deeply about situations outside of your own life and consider more options than you otherwise might. It’s mind-broadening.

Personally, I feel like open-mindedness is a characteristic our modern society could use a heckuva lot more of, particularly as we are able to communicate globally and encounter people of backgrounds formerly unimaginable to us. American politics in particular seems to have grown more and more divisive; perhaps what we need is some sort of national book club. We can call it “On the Same Page.”

Additionally, I found another study quite pertinent. Reading makes us more human.

Contemplate the gravity of that statement for a moment. More human. Woah.

The idea here is that reading is one of those things that humans have managed to do that other species have not. It may even be one of the few things that truly separates us from other creatures in this world. Interpreting written works involves basic brainpower (the actual act of reading) as well as spiritual, emotional, and intellectual connections. There is a lot to offer between two covers of a book.

I find fiction–broadly including video games, movies, really good TV shows (no reality TV dreck, thankyouverymuch), and of course books–awakens part of my spirit and mind I otherwise wouldn’t have much of an outlet for. I don’t think I could go without it. In fact, I finished reading a book and realized I didn’t have another promptly cued up. I was a bit frantic until I found a new one…15 minutes later. I am literally never truly without a book, and I hope to spread my joy of reading with the icebreaking group, and with others. We–like libraries–are places of infinite potential, if only we explore.

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July 16, 2013 · 10:00 am

The Missed Tax Opportunity

I’ve got a beef. Now, it’s considered rude to discuss politics or religion in polite company, but y’all readers (who more likely than not are also writers) may share this beef, so I figure I might as well tell you.

It’s about everyone’s favorite thing to hate: Taxes.

First, let me be clear: I actually don’t mind paying taxes. I know, that sounds hard to believe, but it’s true. Taxes are good, in that stuff that the community at large needs gets paid for. I like having schools; I prefer it when my roads are well-maintained; I think it’s a good idea that our service men and women have sufficient armor.

But there is one tax that I think is just wrong-headed and counterproductive: self-employment taxes.

It’s a little tricky, so let me explain. When you work for someone else, some of your income is taken out to go to Social Security and Medicare and stuff like that.  Then, come tax time, you also pay any additional income taxes you may owe–this is set up in income brackets. Generally, it’s a percentage of your income. Mine is about 15% last I checked. At my last job, everyone in my general rate of pay wound up overpaying the IRS, resulting in a nice happy refund.

But I didn’t.

What was the difference? Self-employment taxes.

See, I had been honest on my taxes and reported that I’d earned a little bit of money from my side business as an editor. But I was only using one of those answer-the-questionnaire programs, so I never had any human to actually advise me. If I did, they would have explained this part for me.

Because, as a self-employed person, there is no one to take out those SS and Medicare-type taxes, the government puts that on for you come tax time. It’s aptly called the self-employment tax. It’s about 12-15%, depending on the year. And then, in addition, you pay income tax. And they stack, making my estimated taxes on my side business 30%. That’s a considerably more uncomfortable number, particularly because it’s a very small business.

On top of that, the IRS expects a check from self-employed folks 4x a year, so they are regularly getting the money needed to run the country. Rather than just paying taxes through an employer and once a year, a small business owner has to pay regularly. And if you don’t know that or miss a deadline, you get charged interest.

It can be quite surprising.

So last year, even though I made a very paltry sum in my side business, it threw off my total earnings and meant I had to pay Uncle Sam instead of getting a refund. This was disappointing, so I’ve been doing my homework this year to try to get ahead.

But like I said, I don’t mind paying taxes. My problem is: this kind of tax discourages people from starting their own businesses. And, considering a) how turbulent the economy has been and b) how we as employees can no longer trust that business loyalty between worker and owner goes both ways (ie. that you won’t be fired), encouraging more people to be self-employed–even just partially–is a great idea.

I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Muhammad Yunus, the founder of Grameen Bank, speak several years ago. Grameen Bank is all about providing small loans (microloans) to the poorest of the poor to help them start their own businesses. His work is literally transforming his home of Bangladesh, and his model has been adopted all over the world.

Unsurprisingly, Dr. Yunus is also a big fan of self-employment. It is safe to say that his talk and book inspired me to start my own business, too. But Grameen Bank is really struggling to work in the United States. Why? These kinds of taxes–even just the part about it being difficult to learn about what these taxes are–works against the very small entrepreneur. Sure, all the angel-funded entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley getting millions for an app that earns $0 fit right in, but the Etsy seller, writer/editor, or ice cream salesman struggles.

Personally, I think we need to lower that barrier to entry. We could encourage all those people who are on disability in rural areas to earn income, giving themselves a sense of purpose. It would encourage those who are currently hiding their non-9-to-5 income (you know who you are) to come out and be more honest. And it would give a boost to the overall economy, because, while self-employment isn’t for everyone, it can be as steady as the worker wants it to be. (I’ve found it often means I work more than when I’m working 9-to-5 only, because I’m more committed, more interested).

I think it’s just sort of a shame. Obviously it is important that the country’s bills be paid, but I think the current way self-employment tax is structured is a lost opportunity.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

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July 11, 2013 · 10:35 am

He Said/She Said: Why Attribution Matters

I have not seen this movie and have no idea what it’s about, but hey, Kevin Bacon!

Readers have a problem: they cannot read your mind.

For the most part, this is to the authors’ benefit. You get to write it all down, instead of people just downloading the story directly from your creative little noggin (*note: that’s a terrifying sci-fi idea, actually…). I imagine that whole readers-aren’t-mind-readers thing has proved quite lucrative for George R.R. Martin lately, else everyone would know that he was planning to off somebody long before they got too attached.

But it can also lead to problems. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of mind-reading foul-ups involving attribution.

Attribution is quite simply “who said that thing.”

Now I come from a journalism background, and it’s quite important that everything is said by somebody; you can’t just go bandying about quotes without giving the reader context, and you’ll get quite the wrist slap if you try (regardless of what you think of “the media,” there are certain standards).

And yet somewhere in your English education, someone probably told you that it’s ok to not always put a “said” at the end of every quote–it can get a bit tiring. That is entirely true! However–you can go too far. You have to have at least some attribution, because the reader cannot read your mind and it’s tricky to follow a conversation when you can’t tell who is speaking.

For example:

Suzy, Jaime, Bob, and Fernando were talking at recess. Suzy heard an ice cream truck. “Hey, you want to go get an ice cream?”

“I’d love ice cream!”

Sullenly, Bob stared at the ground. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Fernando started laughing.

“You can’t have ice cream!” he teased.

“Don’t you like ice cream?” Then she walked toward the ice cream truck.

So I just made up this lovely little ice cream vignette, but I’ve seen this kind of passage written a lot. Let’s dissect it. Who is speaking first? We can guess that Suzy is the one who asks about the ice cream truck, but we aren’t sure. Still, it’s a reasonable guess because she was mentioned in the line before–but keep that uncertainty in mind.

Who loves ice cream? Is it Suzy? Is it one of the boys? No idea. No way to know, either.

It’s probably not Bob. Poor Bob, he’s staring sullenly at the ground. We can be pretty danged sure that Bob made the statement, because he is talked about in the sentence prior AND because the statement goes with the feeling expressed pretty clearly. Unlike the uncertainty with Suzy’s question, we can reasonably pair these two together. So that’s good.

Who asked “Why not?” Also, is Fernando the one teasing Bob? It’s likely, because he started laughing, but we have a large group here, so it’s possible that one of the other boys is teasing Bob AND that Fernando is laughing. It’s ambiguous.

And then we have the question at the end. The writer clearly wants us to know that Suzy said it, because of the “she” in the statement, but it feels disjointed. This could be clearer for the reader, because someone else could be saying this and then Suzy could walk. It’s hard to tell.

Let’s try again, with attribution in the right spots:

Suzy, Jaime, Bob, and Fernando were talking at recess. Suzy heard an ice cream truck. “Hey, you want to go get an ice cream?” she asked the boys.

“I’d love ice cream!” Jaime said.

Sullenly, Bob stared at the ground. “I can’t.”

Looking at his friend with concern, Jaime said, “Why not?”

Fernando started laughing. “You can’t have ice cream!” he teased.

“Don’t you like ice cream?” Suzy asked. Then she walked toward the ice cream truck.

Now we have a much clearer picture of the action here. Fernando is kinda a bully, Jaime is rather exuberant, and Suzy just wants an ice cream already.  Notice that not all of the attributions are the same; it doesn’t get boring to have to read them. In fact, you probably slid right over them without much notice. (This is also why “said” is the preferred unobtrusive attribution. It’s very utilitarian.)

If you aren’t sure if you need attribution or not, try reading your section as if you were a reader and knew nothing about the story–just going off the attribution. If you have a long back-and-forth without attribution, odds are good you’ll need to add some to avoid confusion. (It can be done, but in very rare and unusual circumstances).

Of course, if you’re really not sure, you can always hire an editor to help you straighten it out.

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July 9, 2013 · 10:14 am

Seeking Advice: Overcoming Stress

Lately, things in my day-to-day non-writing personal life have gotten a bit hectic. Things completely out of my control happened and caught me by surprise, plus I had a great big list of Things That Must Get Done.

Shockingly, this change actually left me with more free time, but a great deal more stress, too. I managed to blog during my vacation (thank you, delayed posting!) but after I got back, and facing a scary look at the future, the spinning plates I’d been maintaining for awhile (including updating the blog regularly) started to slip.

I had time to write, so I can’t beg off with that excuse, but I had absolutely no inclination. It was like I had been zapped by a writer’s block ray gun. But more than that–I didn’t even want to write. I started to resent my laptop, even, skirting the room and glaring at it hatefully, because a tiny easy-to-ignore part of me was insisting that I needed to be there, writing away, keeping to “the schedule,” when I wanted nothing more but to go be a gypsy or something. (“Something” often meaning “lying pathetically on the couch in a hot sweaty puddle”–this is Texas, after all, and it’s bloody hot.)

Eventually, the stress abated, which is why I’m here again, writing, and similarly why I yet again have clean dishes to eat off of, freshly painted fingernails, and some well-organized personal files.

Every time I turn to the internet or Twitter for support, it seems I just find more “soldier on,” “write every day or else!” type posts, which just leaves me feeling sort of bad about myself. But I keep thinking: I can’t be the only one this has happened to. I can’t be alone in being paralyzed, rather than invigorated by, stress.

Or can I? Tell me, and tell me true.

Have you ever faced a time of stress that affected your writing? How did you handle it? Do you really believe in those “write every day” aphorisms?

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June 18, 2013 · 9:25 am

Fun with Grammar: Lessons from DFWCon

This is my cat, Tavi. He is not a Grammaticat. Maybe one day. We all need dreams.

This is my cat, Tavi. He is not a Grammaticat. Maybe one day. We all need dreams.

Five weeks ago (wow, has it been that long already?) I had the privilege of attending DFWCon, where I got to meet Tex Thompson, grammar-clarifier-extraordinaire. She runs www.thetexfiles.com, which, in addition to general greatness, is where she posts “Grammaticats”–cats teaching lessons in grammar.

I know. My mind was blown, too.

It is no surprise, then, that she led an excellent presentation on Grammar and Style. I hadn’t planned on attending, but my schedule worked out and I made it, and I am so glad I did.

I’ve been a copyeditor and proofreader for years, but I’ll tell you a secret: when editing stuff, we don’t typically talk about it in fancy grammarian-speak. Mostly we just say “ugh, you did that wrong.” For that reason, it was great to brush up on my grammar in Tex’s class: I don’t think I’ve heard some of the fancy titles since high school (if then).

Mostly for my own benefit (and because, who knows? Maybe it’ll help you out, too), here are my notes from Tex’s class.

  • modifier:
  • non-restrictive modifying phrase:
    • 1) Can be deleted
    • 2) must be close to the thing it modifies
    • 3) needs a matched set of commas or dashes
  • Types of modifiers and errors: relative clauses; restrictive vs. nonrestrictive modifying phrases; dangling modifiers; misplaced modifiers; ambiguous modifiers (the phrase being modified could be interpreted two different ways); implied simultenaety (which is fine as long as the actions being given really could be happening at the same time, eg. “Sally walked while talking to Jim.”)
  • Pronoun: subs in for a noun or noun phrase
    • Pronoun case error: using the wrong form of the pronoun (I/me, for example)
    • pronoun antecedent agreement: the pronoun needs to go with the thing it refers to (a group = them; he = Bryan)
    • pronoun reference error: it’s not clear what the pronoun is referring to (“I took my boat and my girlfriend for a ride. She’s a real beaut!” –the boat or the girlfriend?!)
    • wandering body parts (this one’s my favorite)-when anatomy causes confusing issues (is the eye literally falling on the jacket? Ew)
    • dialogue tag: said/ asked/hissed/etc. – it should describe how something is said
    • comma splice
  • Fragment: an incomplete sentence; it needs a subject
    • implied subject (ie. “Run!” The “You” is implied)
    • coordinating vs. subordinating conjunctions (rules for whether or not to use commas)
    • Fragments are often okay if you are writing in deep POV–we don’t always think in complete sentences.

Look at all the words you learned! Don’t you feel like a smart cookie now?

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June 13, 2013 · 9:54 am

High School as Hell: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

This summer, I’m taking time to do something I should have done a long time ago: watch “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I know, I know, I’m way behind on this one. The first season came out in 1997, when I was not cool enough to watch amazing television, apparently.

So I’m making up for lost time, thanks to the wonders of Netflix and the ability to binge-watch shows.

Years ago–probably when everyone else was busy watching good TV–I remember hearing Joss Whedon say his vampire-slaying, demon-fighting, world-saving show was actually about normal high school drama. I remember smirking and being all “pssh, whatevs. The only vampires in my high school are teachers who suck out our lives with too much homework.”

Well, Mr. Whedon, I finally get it, and I apologize for my teenaged smart-aleck sass. This show really IS about high school being hell. For every vampire-related monster-of-the-week catastrophe, Whedon folded in some kind of completely normal high school problem.

So, to distract me from the crop tops I’m developing an unnatural desire for thanks to this show, I’ve made a list. For your viewing pleasure, this is all the episodes of the first season; the monster story and it’s real-world allegory.

  1. “Welcome to the Hellmouth”– discovering a den of vampires/being the new girl at school
  2. “The Harvest”- group of vampires have some kind of prophecy/making friends
  3. “Witch”– body-snatching voodoo-working witch/dealing with parental expectations and fitting in
  4. “Teacher’s Pet”– teacher eaten by a mantis monster/struggling with schoolwork
  5. “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date”– pack of vampires are after you/struggling to balance dating vs. friendships
  6. “The Pack”-demonic hyenas eat the principal/changing friend groups and dealing with bullying
  7. “Angel”-falling for a vampire who claims he no longer feeds/developing a crush on and trusting a “bad boy”
  8. “I, Robot…You, Jane”– internet demon bent on taking over the world/online dating and the obsessive use of computers (guilty!)
  9. “The Puppet Show”– being bullied by your ventriloquist dummy/stage fright and mandatory school participation activities
  10. “Nightmares”– nightmares become literally real/test anxiety and fear of abandonment because of parents’ divorce
  11. “Out of Mind, Out of Sight”– invisible girl on a rampage/cliques and feeling like an outsider
  12. “Prophecy Girl”– fear of a deadly prophecy/not having a date to the big dance

Crop tops! So many crop tops! And ugly sweaters for Xander. At least Willow is *supposed* to look kinda dorky.

Not only is watching this show a lot of fun, it’s been helpful to remember these kinds of teen pressures as I start a YA story. I’m not much older than the YA audience, but those years might as well be decades in terms of how my priorities have changed (and hormones settled down!).

It’s also great to see a master creator like Joss Whedon develop his work. I’m a familiar Whedon-ite by now, and he was certainly already good in the Buffy days, but this show isn’t as developed from the get-go as some of his work. It’s nice to know that even the pros can learn and grow.

It’s also a helpful reminder that no great story is just about the surface level. If Buffy were really about slaying vampires–and only that–I wouldn’t be looking forward to season two. But there’s a lot of emotional depth beneath each monster fight because of this “high school as hell” subtext. Sure, she may be in a fistfight with an invisible girl, but really she’s dealing with feelings of loneliness and isolation. And I’m not much of a fighter, but I can relate to feeling invisible.

I look forward to the rest of the show!

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June 11, 2013 · 10:36 am

The Grammarian’s Five Daughters

I found this fabulous short story that uses a fairy tale/fable structure to examine the values of different types of words. It’s beautiful.

Once there was a grammarian who lived in a great city that no longer exists, so we don’t have to name it. Although she was learned and industrious and had a house full of books, she did not prosper. To make the situation worse, she had five daughters. Her husband, a diligent scholar with no head for business, died soon after the fifth daughter was born, and the grammarian had to raise them alone. It was a struggle, but she managed to give each an adequate education, though a dowry — essential in the grammarian’s culture — was impossible. There was no way for her daughters to marry. They would become old maids, eking (their mother thought) a miserable living as scribes in the city market. The grammarian fretted and worried, until the oldest daughter was fifteen years old.

Then the girl came to her mother and said, “You can’t possibly support me, along with my sisters. Give me what you can, and I’ll go out and seek my fortune. No matter what happens, you’ll have one less mouth to feed.”

The mother thought for a while, then produced a bag. “In here are nouns, which I consider the solid core and treasure of language. I give them to you because you’re the oldest. Take them and do what you can with them.”…

I’ll let you find out what happens next, but do go read it. It’s delightful.

It made me wish there was a similar story about punctuation. Maybe there is! I’m a fan of the way commas herd words together in small-but-appropriate-sized bunches, and the way periods are always there to give us a break. The interrobang (?!) is rare but mighty, and apostrophes help us cut the crap.

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