If I Were On Queer Eye

A hypothetical script

The cast of Queer Eye will be blown away by meeting me.

<cast driving. Clips of cows and suburbia. Occasional Texas stereotypes>

Antoni: “So today we’re going to meet an author! She writes about zombies and aliens and things like that…”

Tan, making a face: “Uh okay, weird.”

Jonathan: “Love me some creativity, yas!”

A: “…she’s had a baby and been trapped inside because of a pandemic, and has kind of let some things go…”

Bobby: “Understandable, it’s a busy time.”

Karamo: “We’ve all been there.”

A: “But it’s time for a refresh and a change! Boys, we’re going to help this author turn a new page!”

All: “wooo!”

<cue intro theme>

<Cast pull up to a small suburban house. It’s ok, but the plants are half-dead. Jonathan pretends to faint from the heat. Karamo glistens.>

<ME Kinkade is sitting on the floor, playing with a baby. There is a knock at the door and the boys tumble in.>

M: “wow what a surprise! This camera crew has been here for half an hour, what took you so long?! Yay!!”

<they tour the house. Bobby looks disappointed at the clutter. Antoni inspects the fridge, which is clean but pretty empty. Jonathan tries on maternity leggings. Tan looks disgusted. Karamo glistens.>

M: “I’m just so excited you’re here.” <She looks generally embarrassed.>

<intro for Antoni’s portion>

A: “So I understand you like to bake?”

M: “Yeah, I was one of the ‘quarantine bakers,’ but that was just because I was home more. I also love Great British Bake-off.”

A: “Ok great! I thought I’d take you here, to Really Obscure Bakery!” <to woman behind the counter> “Hey Tricia!” <back to M> “Ok so you’re a busy mom, and I get that, so I thought we’d learn to make croissants. They only take 14 hours to make and the delicate puff pastry is great for kids to play with.”

Antoni is love

<cut to the removing croissants from the oven. A’s look perfect. M’s look like buttery poop emoji.>

A: “Delicious, right? You could totally make this with the baby if you take 2 days off work!”

<M attempts to smile> <transition to Karamo>

K: “Heyyy! Let’s go girl, we got lots to do!”

<K takes M to a carnival. They walk through, eating oversized caramel corn.>

K: “So you’re a mom now? Woah, right?”

M: “Yeah, it’s been a lot. It’s a big transition and it’s hard to feel like I know what I’m doing.”

K: “And you are having some trouble with body image? You think you look fat.”

M: “well, I mean, yeah…” <she looks flustered>

K: “that’s why I brought you here, to the House of Mirrors! You just have to walk through and learn to accept yourself.”

M: “… seriously?”

Karamo, a man carved from mahogany and psychotherapy

<M enters funhouse mirrors. She warps tall, wide, with huge eyes. The camera makes this extra unflattering.>

K: “See? I have taught you everything in 15 minutes!”

<M gives a tepid smile. She is more self-conscious than before.>

<Tan appears, mysteriously. He is wearing what looks to be a neon green garbage bag. This is “chic.”>

T: “Karamo has you all ready for me? Nothing like seeing yourself in mirrors to get psyched for trying on clothes, right my luv?”

M: “Uh, sure. Can we go?”

<cut to a Fancy Store.>

T: “Ok, so have you considered not dressing like a pile of dirty laundry? Let’s get you in some actual clothes.”

<M comes out wearing high pumps and excessive animal print>

T: “Gorg, you look gorg! How do you feel?”

M: “…I hate this…”

Tan, a man with more clothes than most department stores

<producers rush over to M, panicked. A whispered conversation ensues, reminding M that she has signed a contract promising to like what Tan gives her. He is Not To Be Ruffled.>

<cut back to M, in a new style. In a dry flat voice:> “Wooow, this is so meee. How diiid you do it? <she looks pained>

<hasty transition to Jonathan>

<Jonathan fluffs M’s hair, which was possibly washed three days ago> “So like, tell me, what we’re you trying to do here?”

M: “Umm, I just never know what to do with my hair so I give up and put it in a pony.”

J, fabulously: “You have, like, such great foundation here, we are just going to jjuxz it up a bit, ok?”

<Jonathan works their hair care magic and introduces the concept of makeup.>

<J turns the chair around for the reveal. M looks like a supermodel, somehow. She will never be able to replicate this look.>

Jonathan, actual wizard

<transition back to the house. The boys are outside, cooing. M attempts to strut. She is blindfolded and taken inside.>

<reveal. How is now bigger and is decorated like a Pier 1 store before bankruptcy. M is astonished.>

B: “So your house was great but it had textured walls, so I just burned it down and built you a new one with more rooms in three days’ time. I put up wallpaper from my brand in the foyer so you’d remember me.”

M: “OMG Bobby you do the most work out of anyone here. Karamo just took me to a carnival and spent $15. He wouldn’t even buy me a snocone. You are the greatest!”

Bobby is an artiste

<the boys gather in for the summary. Everyone cuddles. M gushes.>

M: “Wow. Thank you so much. I never thought this would happen because, while I not together enough to care for myself alone, I am also not in terrible shape. It was like writing Queer Eye fanfic was going to be the only way I would be close to you. But here you are, and here we all are in my brand-new house that Bobby built.” <close-up on Bobby, who blushes modestly> “I’ve learned so much from you and I am so grateful you exist to brighten people’s lives—especially mine!”

<closing shot of happy family, failing to make croissants while awkwardly waddling in two-small heels. The boys are attractive, as usual.>

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